Don't try this at home
Alberta, Albert's wife. 'I'm going to start with you, the Yellow Jersey. This is a bad dislocation of the shoulder. Don't worry. It won't hurt. My father taught me to set dislocations when he was working in a circus in Romania.'
'I used to practice on Albert's mother. She was a trapeze artist. She is the only woman to do a triple somersault while drinking a glass of vodka without spilling a drop. But she had a drink problem. And she didn't always succeed - hence the dislocations.'
'I see that your right humerus is well and truly separated from the scapula and it is very painful, but I will be quick.. Lie on your back. and you, the sprinter in the Green Jersey, take your pants off. Make a cushion with them. Put it under your mate's right armpit. I'm going to put my right foot in the right armpit and pull the right arm. The Good Samaritan can help me to give a good pull.'
'Be brave Yellow Jersey. Let's go! Click!. Now I'm going to make a sling for your arm with my tights. Voila! Job done! By the way is this going to handicap you for the Tour de France?' 'No, le Tour is easy. It is following that bloody pensioner that is difficult!'
''Now it's your turn Sprinter, you have a dislocated elbow. That is to say, the bones of the forearm (radius and ulna) are not aligned with the humerus. There is a risk of damage to blood vessels or nerves in this case'
'We really need an X-ray. Unfortunately, we do not have an X-ray machine here but I know that everything will be fine because my Zodiac Sign is 'Libra' and my horoscope for this week said that all my work will be crowned with success.'
'It won't hurt. I'm going to hypnotize you. The next time I say "accident" you are going to sleep. When I say "winning" you wake up with a smile. "Accident!"'
'Now all that I need is for you (the Samaritan) to hold the upper arm like this - and I will manipulate the forearm like that. Pop! Voila. Job done! "Winning!"'
'Oh, not quite. We need another sling. There is a crowd here now. Ask that lady if we can borrow her tights. Thank you Madam!'
'Now it is the turn of the Good Samaritan and your three dislocated fingers. Oh! You've reset them yourself! Well done. That's great! By the way what is your name?'
'I'm Michael Davidson - Sir Michael Davidson. I am an orthopaedic surgeon. I have seen what you have done with these young athletes and I am going to reflect carefully about the actions that I must now take.' To be continued ...'
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